yerawizardoldsport

62 Things the Avengers are Not Allowed to Do.

  • 1. Tony is not allowed to replace the entire contents of the cafeteria with pop-tarts just because Thor has declared it the ‘food of the gods.’
  • 2. Natasha is not allowed to interrogate new S.H.I.E.L.D. employees and dispose of the ones she deems unworthy.
  • 3. Clint is not allowed to continue insisting that is the final step of the interview process to terrified new hires.
  • 4. Tony is not allowed to broadcast sing-along songs into the Hulk-cage, no matter amusing he finds teaching Hulk “Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear, turn around”
  • 5. Clint is not allowed to put the security feed of the Hulk’s Teddy Bear dance on Youtube.
  • 6. Bruce is not allowed to hack into personnel files to look up blackmail material on Director Fury.
  • 7. Tony is not allowed to insist that he’s already done so and that Fury’s middle name is Rainbow Sprinkles…. Because it isn’t.
  • 8. Thor is not allowed to be naked at Headquarters. Ever.
  • 9. Steve is not allowed to address any female S.H.I.E.L.D. agents as ‘little lady,’ ‘broad,’ or ‘dame.’ It only ends in getting slapped.
  • 10. Agent Coulson’s name isn’t “Mom.”
  • 11. Director Fury should never again be addressed as “Dad”
  • 12. Agent Hill is not the Avenger’s wicked stepmother.
  • 13. Clint is not allowed to lurk in the shadowy rafters spying on people, unless specifically instructed to do so for an official S.H.I.E.L.D. sanctioned mission.
  • 14. ‘Operation Irritate the Fuck Out of Nick Fury’ is not an official mission, no matter what Tony or Natasha say to the contrary.
  • 15. Debriefings should not be preceded by tequila shots.
  • 16. Debriefings should not be followed by tequila shots.
  • 17. There are to be no shots of any kind during debriefings.
  • 18. Thor and Hulk will wait to fight until after the battle is over.
  • 19. Tony Stark is not God’s gift to women.
  • 20. The Avengers do not need matching uniforms.
  • 21. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to have a contest to see who can make a bigger “boom” in the lab.
  • 22. Thor is not allowed to join in and make the biggest boom with his hammer.
  • 23. The Avengers will not be celebrating Steve’s 94th birthday.
  • 24. The laboratory is not Tony and Bruce’s ‘Super Secret Genius Clubhouse.’ They are not allowed to bar entry to employees based on IQ test results.
  • 25. The Avengers are not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.
  • 26. Iron Man is not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.
  • 27. Tony Stark is not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.
  • 28. Thor is not allowed to ‘bring down the wrath of Odinson’ on the person who ate the last package of pop-tarts.
  • 29. Pants are not optional at team meetings.
  • 30. ‘Pepper said it was okay’ is not a good enough reason to defy a director order from command.
  • 31. The words “What’s the worst that could happen?” are never to be uttered on a mission ever again.
  • 32. MC Hammer did not write Thor a theme song.
  • 33. Gumby is not the love child of Bruce Banner and Reed Richards.
  • 34. Natasha and Clint are not allowed to impersonate members of the clergy ever again. Ever.
  • 35. Blasting ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ at top volume into Bruce’s room on loop overnight is not an effective way to suppress the Hulk.
  • 36. Hawkeye is not sitting in the rafters waiting to pick off people playing Galaga on their computer during work hours.
  • 37. Tony is not allowed to bribe Natasha and Clint to physically, emotionally or psychologically torture General Ross for being ‘a great big douchebucket’ and ‘being mean to Brucie-kins.’
  • 38. Steve is ‘Captain America’ not ‘Captain New York and those 49 other, lesser states.’
  • 39. ‘Hulk SMASH!’ is not an effective diplomatic policy.
  • 40. Tony is not allowed to buy the Dodgers and move them back to Brooklyn to apologize for lighting Steve’s hair on fire.
  • 41. The phrase ‘Trust me, I’m a doctor’ never leads anywhere good.
  • 42. It is not funny to dare Bruce to drink three quarts of green food coloring before a urine test.
  • 43. Steve is not to be introduced as ‘Captain Tightpants’ or ‘The All-American Virgin.’
  • 44. The Avengers do not ‘charge into battle, naked like the Celts.’ Except for The Hulk. Sometimes.
  • 45. Natasha’s glare is not in fact fatal. Tony is not allowed to continue implying that it is.
  • 46. Tony is not allowed to convince Bruce to help him make death ray goggles so that it will be.
  • 47. The Avengers are not allowed to overthrow the American government, just because they didn’t like the results from the last election.
  • 48. The Avengers are not allowed to overthrow any government, without checking in with S.H.I.E.L.D. first.
  • 49. Clint is not allowed to sell Thor any ‘magic beans.’
  • 50. Natasha and Clint are not allowed to try to sell Tony to another planet, even if they are promised really cool new weapons in exchange.
  • 51. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to go to any science conferences without a chaperone.
  • 52. A robot Tony built does not count as a chaperone.
  • 53. Nikola Tesla is not a vampire being held in the bowels of S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters.
  • 54. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to go searching for him in the name of Science!
  • 55. Clint’s super-power is not ‘being super-annoying.’
  • 56. The following words and phrases are never to be uttered over communication devices during an active mission ever again: “Exploring sexuality,” “Necrophilia,” “It’s getting hot in herr, so take off all your clothes,” “I hate everyone on this mission and I wish they’d die in a fire,” “Nick Fury can go suck on a big bag of sausages,” references to Bruce’s giant stash of weed, mention of anyone’s erection, or “Shawarma.”
  • 57. If it makes Tony giggle for more than 30 seconds, it isn’t allowed.
  • 58. If it makes Natasha crack a smile, it’s probably illegal.
  • 59. Thor taking Jane to see Asgard does not count as an alien abduction. Clint should stop referring to it as such.
  • 60. Just because Bruce agreed to work in Tony’s lab, does not mean he needs to get a “Property of Stark Industries” tattoo.
  • 61. Tony is not allowed to design a robot to draw said tattoo on Bruce when he falls asleep in the lab.
  • 62. Post-mission reports to Director Fury should not start out ‘So let me explain…’
potter-inthe-tardis
christopher-whitelaw:


sittingonalog:

… watch your back in theater 9 Mr. Peabody

u walk in the theater and the lights dim, frozen comes on screen, u sit through the movie, it was so good, u get up to leave but the lights have not risen, frozen is starting over on the screen, u briskly make your way to the exit and the attendant shoves you back inside the theater, don’t you wanna see your movie? he says, you claw at the door as frozen repeats over and over again behind you, elsa telling you to just let it go, your tears turn into tiny snowflakes, on the 3rd day people are eating the theater cushions, you have given up any hope of escape, you sing along quietly for the 43rd time, let it go..let it goo…

christopher-whitelaw:

sittingonalog:

… watch your back in theater 9 Mr. Peabody

u walk in the theater and the lights dim, frozen comes on screen, u sit through the movie, it was so good, u get up to leave but the lights have not risen, frozen is starting over on the screen, u briskly make your way to the exit and the attendant shoves you back inside the theater, don’t you wanna see your movie? he says, you claw at the door as frozen repeats over and over again behind you, elsa telling you to just let it go, your tears turn into tiny snowflakes, on the 3rd day people are eating the theater cushions, you have given up any hope of escape, you sing along quietly for the 43rd time, let it go..let it goo…

potter-inthe-tardis

nonabones:

genderfluidsirius:

no but kids from pureblood families going through embarrassing weaboo phases except they become obsessed with muggle pop culture

5th years carrying around pink razr phones from 2004 and awkwardly inserting “text speak” into daily conversations

11 year olds carrying plush carebears backpacks into transfiguration

everyone of them using outdated muggle slang incorrectly, making all of the muggleborns wince in pain

that is so fucking cute and hilarious

mischief-had-been-managed
hopefully-happy:

but-the-universe-doesnt-agree:

nutmuffin00:

Greatest plot twist to Monster’s Inc.

oh my god you know what i just realized? all of the doors in monster’s inc. are “bigger on the inside”. so if any of the monsters went through this door they wouldn’t think anything of it. and the doctor would be standing there, smiling, waiting for them to say it, but of course it would make no difference to them.

hopefully-happy:

but-the-universe-doesnt-agree:

nutmuffin00:

Greatest plot twist to Monster’s Inc.

oh my god you know what i just realized? all of the doors in monster’s inc. are “bigger on the inside”. so if any of the monsters went through this door they wouldn’t think anything of it. and the doctor would be standing there, smiling, waiting for them to say it, but of course it would make no difference to them.

cryingmanlytears:  I spent way more time on this than originally planned, but what can I say. I was having fun. I really enjoy drawing Toon-Tennant. Haha. I should just make him barge into a bunch of other fandoms. In fact, I might. See full size Here.

yerawizardoldsport

thenotoriousscuttlecliff:

the-timelord-girl-who-hunts:

wordsofdiana:

The only thing I want in Avengers 2 is Cap picking up Thor’s hammer, totally unaware it should be impossible.

Actually in Marvel lore it is implicitly stated That Steve is one of only a few people on earth actually worthy of carrying Thor’s hammer

To hell with Steve, I want Natasha to pick it up and realise, even with all the red in her ledger, she is still just as worthy as Thor or Steve.